There’s a mainstream notion that the coming out process for LGBTQ+ folks is a singular event, like the day we tell our parents or the day we come out on social media. The reality is that coming out is a lifelong, iterative journey that we make decisions about almost every day: whether it’s with strangers we meet or with friends and family members. We’re making a decision to “come out”—or authentically express ourselves—each day we get up and go out into the world. 

For some, the coming out journey is easy and starts early. For others, the journey is difficult or even dangerous. The extent to which we can and feel comfortable coming out looks different for a lot of us. No matter what though, all of us in the LGBTQ+ community have to choose many times throughout our lives how to be authentic (whether that’s in a way that’s visible to others, or simply to ourselves). The lessons we learn from the process of coming out are powerfully applicable to our finances. 

In honor of this year’s pride month, I’m reflecting on how coming out as an LGBTQ+ person empowers us to achieve a deeply fulfilling level of authenticity in how we live our lives, and in turn, spend and manage our money.

My Own Coming Out Story

If I dug up some old credit card statements from my early twenties to see what I spent my money on, much of it would certainly be on golf, ice hockey, and craft beer at sports bars. Not that any of those activities are only for straight people, but that spending defines a time of my life when I embraced being “one of the guys” in an all-straight group of friends. As I gradually came out as a gay man,  I was fortunate that my friends accepted me. But, I still felt an internal pressure to fit in with them because they were most of my social life. Moreover, I lived in a pretty conservative, small town where being openly gay was difficult for me, especially because I didn’t see many other queer people living openly. 

When my friends started settling down and having kids, I was forced to acknowledge that I didn’t want those same things at that stage of my life. I knew building the life I wanted wouldn’t be possible in my small town, so I moved to New York City. It was costly, but I knew the move was worth the financial risk. In the city, I began to learn a lot more about what was possible for me, and I designed a life that was more fully my own. I wound up spending more on travel as my community became more diverse (geographically and otherwise). After years of self-discovery, I now save and invest for certain things that I know are important to me, like building a family of my own one day.

I use parts of my coming out story as an example of how the process can be woven into a much larger picture of finances. I haven’t met a single LGBTQ+ person who doesn’t have a rich and layered coming out story (or series of them). And each coming out story is inexorably tied to the way people manage and build their wealth.

From Hardships to Riches

In our financial planning work, one of the first things we do with clients is discuss money history, values, and vision. We learn where our clients are coming from (past), what is most important to them (present), and in which direction they see their lives headed (future). We take what we learn from these discussions to make sure that all of the financial work (investments, cash flow, business planning, saving for the future) are the most aligned they can be to the client’s authentic self. 

Some of our richest discovery conversations have been with our LGBTQ+ clients, whose coming out stories accelerated them towards nontraditional life paths. It’s not uncommon that coming out involves serious hardships, like breaking family ties, making the tough decision to leave home and move far away, and losing financial support.  Some LGBTQ+ people have had to delay coming out for many years and then had to overhaul their entire lives in order to spend their time and money in a way that honors who they really are. Some of those who came out earlier had to develop resilience and independence to help them make major life decisions at a young age.

Wisdom from the Journey

It’s a common thing to see our LGBTQ+ clients apply wisdom from their coming out journeys and use it to design lives that are beautifully aligned with their values. They spend money in ways that empower them, their loved ones, and their communities, and they invest in a bright and meaningful future.

This pride month, I’m reminded of how our coming out stories can serve as lighthouses, for both ourselves and others. Let’s celebrate our stories as roadmaps for authenticity. And let’s turn those experiences into wisdom and wealth. 

Read more of our LGBTQ+ Blogs to learn more about how being LGBTQ+ impacts your finances!