When it comes to finances, our relationship with money is shaped immensely by our upbringings and cultural backgrounds, including our particular generation. For LGBTQ people, historical events like the Stonewall Uprising and the AIDS crisis have impacted our outlook and approach to our finances. An LGBTQ person who has lived through the AIDS crisis or grown up without legalized marriage has a significantly different financial mindset that is worth learning from, especially during a time where we benefit from positive changes that give us more financial freedom.  

In honor of Pride month and LGBTQ people spanning different generations, we’re sharing financial perspectives from our clients who generously agreed to share them. Here they are, in their own words. We hope you’re as moved by them as we are.

“How do two men make financial decisions together?”

Relying on Community Support

As young gay men, both of us felt compelled to leave where we grew up in order to live a more fulfilled, “out” life. Far from family and a support structure, we had to develop self-reliance skills which included managing money. On the one hand, we were free from many of the structures of “straight” expectations like getting married, purchasing a house, having a family. On the other hand, there were no clear role models or timelines for us about what life could look like. How do two men make financial decisions together? That’s been a good, but unexpected, journey. – Jon Paul (age 52) and Juan Pablo (age 50)

Growing up gay in the rural South in the 1960’s and 70’s definitely affected my ideas about money.  First of all, it is a completely patriarchal culture there, to this day.  From little girlhood, I was told repeatedly, over and over, the only way you’ll ever have a house of your own is to marry a man. I’m sure my mother and grandmother were told the same thing, and although they seemed to have taken it to heart, I did not. – Lori

When I was in high school, my parents discovered I was gay and couldn’t accept it at the time, so I left their home and lost their financial support just before going on to college. I had been saving like crazy from my after-school jobs knowing that moment would come, and that experience really conditioned me to be self-reliant with finances, thinking I’d always have to go it alone. It affected my life path too. I wound up settling on my college major not so much based on what my heart wanted, but more so on the prospects of making money upon graduating so that I could take care of myself. Looking back though, I was never really alone. It took a village to support me getting through college, made up of my more accepting relatives, like aunts and uncles who gave me places to stay, and all of my friends, especially the super close ones, my “chosen family”. – Patrick (age 31)

“We’ve always kept separate records, separate files, separate money.” 

Perceptions of Marriage

We grew up at a time when marriage and having kids was just not in the cards for many in the LGBTQ community. And though we are thrilled to be married, as we look ahead to what aging and retirement looks like for us, we have to be very intentional about the financial choices we make for the future, since like many in our age group and older, we can’t necessarily count on family members caring for us. – Jon Paul (age 52) and Juan Pablo (age 50)

Once we were partners, but before we were legally allowed to be married, there were significant financial consequences for us that many straight couples didn’t face. Health care benefits provided by an employer for a “domestic partner” were taxable. We had to file separate tax returns which meant separate accounting fees. Setting up bank accounts could be problematic, credit cards, etc. The list goes on. There were years of irritating negotiating around those financial penalties that were also an emotional load. And who knows if we might slip back to that? With the ongoing politics and an aggressive anti-Democratic conservative agenda, can we fully count that gay marriage will remain legal? – Jon Paul (age 52) and Juan Pablo (age 50)

Even though I was still really young during the time when states like Massachusetts, California and New York were legalizing same-sex marriage, by then it was heavily imprinted on me that marriage was most likely not going to happen, at least in the traditional sense of planning it as a big event and inviting tons of family. To this day, even after the 2015 Supreme court ruling and coming around to the idea that—whoa—I actually can and do want to get married one day, I still see it as something that’ll be small and non-traditional. Now my mindset has expanded to include planning for kids one day (another thing I used to think was impossible). I get the sense that the finances for this will be the reverse of most of my straight friends: not so much money being spent on the wedding, and instead a lot of money spent on either adopting or having kids. – Patrick (age 31)

Coming of age as a lesbian – and into my 30’s, 40’s, and early 50’s – the archetypal straight-woman dream of walking down the aisle in a white dress was never allowed to enter my mind (in my rural hometown, being gay was worse than being a murderer). So, since marrying someone of my own sex was never even a thought-possibility, it still seems unreal to me when younger generations speak of marriage as a given or a right, because it never was for me. As a matter of fact, when my partner, Jean, and I got married last year, at the height of COVID, the attorney for our estate sent a folder full of documents to “us” collectively, including only one copy.  Our tax preparer did the same thing a month or so ago, and we were both a bit flummoxed, as we’ve always kept separate records, separate files, separate money. The copy function on our printer has been well-used of late.  It feels a little like being on Mars. – Lori

“I was told that I didn’t have the same financial burdens.”

Building Careers In the Face of Discrimination

In the early days of my career, as an out, gay professional, I often faced discrimination that affected my compensation. Straight men with families were often given promotions over me while I was told that I “didn’t have the same financial burdens.” At the same time, as a “single man,” I was expected to work late, travel at the drop of a hat, and more. For the most part that tide has changed, but it’s taken me a long time to catch up and reach full parity with many of my straight counterparts. – Jon Paul (age 52)

“I saw how many of [the men] were abandoned by their families and financially destitute.”

Experiencing  the AIDS Crisis

As a young adult in college, I lived through the height of the AIDS epidemic in the U.S. and volunteered as a “buddy” to several men who were in their last stages of dying. I saw first hand how many of them were abandoned by their families, and often financially destitute, which made me realize how important it was for me to be financially and emotionally independent. – Jon Paul (age 52)

I feel incredibly fortunate, as a gay man, to have grown up in the 90s, in a relatively metropolitan area of the United States. When I was entering the phase of life where I started building a career and dating, I had never experienced the scare of the AIDS epidemic, nor did I get the sense that I would be fired from a job or discriminated against for being gay. Because of that I think I’m a bit more trusting–maybe even entitled to thinking–that I’ll be able to live a very “normal” life, with equal protections and opportunities that my straight friends have to look forward to. – Patrick (age 31)

Experiencing mass death during the AIDS epidemic in the 1980s/90s, and watching many, many acquaintances and several close friends die agonizing deaths, I have come to realize that their “great struggle,” and subsequent political awakening, have afforded the LGBTQ community many of the rights and freedoms we enjoy, and even take for granted, today. A great price was paid, however, in souls, and those advancements could disappear in the wink of an eye unless all of us are ever-vigilant.  The same [people] who tried to brainwash me with “you can only own a home through union with a man,” would love to take it all away from us.  We must not let them.  We are right, and they are wrong. – Lori

Interested in reading more about how being a part of the LGBTQ community impacts your finances? Read all of our LGBTQ blogs here.

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