Whether it’s a parent or relative or even a friend, taking care of our loved ones is a significant undertaking that requires thoughtful planning and attention. At Thinking Big, we’ve noticed this conversation becoming more common. The main question we hear from clients is: What do I do to prepare?
In guiding these conversations, we always start with the who. Think about all the people in your life who you may need to care for. It could be parents, friends, an aunt or uncle, or even a dependent of aging parents. First and foremost, imagine what taking care of this loved one might look like for you. We suggest you do this before taking any concrete steps. Thinking about this may bring up some strong emotions – that’s OK and totally normal. Remember to set aside time for yourself to reflect on your feelings.
Once you’ve done this preliminary work, it’s time to talk to your loved ones. And note: This won’t be just one conversation, but a series of them. To guide these conversations in the most productive and sensitive way, it’s important to take a kind and compassionate approach that makes your loved ones feel heard and valued. Below, we’ll offer suggestions for framing these discussions to help you feel more confident.
Understand Your Loved One’s Values
You may feel pressure to jump into logistics or practicalities. But I encourage you to start by asking what is important to your loved ones. What are their values and how do they translate into the kind of care they want? These might be very different from your own; we all share different values. But it’s critical to understand that this process is ultimately about your loved ones. This perspective may also make some of the decision-making easier or help you to understand their choices a bit better, too.
Documents are important – but not everything
We can all agree that having a good estate plan in place is important, especially for folks who are nearing retirement. The first essential step is to find out from your loved ones if they’ve ever gotten their estate planning documents. While they may have them in place, they may not have updated them in some time – check if the documents are consistent with their wishes now. Finally, if you’re one of the primary people responsible for your loved one’s affairs, ask where the documents are kept or keep a copy of them for yourself.
Sometimes, this is where the conversation with your loved ones ends. But remember that this topic is much bigger than paperwork.
What type of care might you need to provide?
When this conversation comes up for me, the first thing that comes to my mind is health. Your loved one may or may not need some type of ongoing health care. You might simply need to be nearby to check in on them or they might need ongoing care. Or it may be a bit of both. People’s different health needs and lifestyles will lead to different decisions. Again, lean on conversations and hypotheticals. Ask what your loved one would like to have happen if different scenarios occurred. Ask a lot of questions such as, Can you see yourself continuing to live here? Where might you want to go if you can no longer be here?
Consider the cost of your time
You may think that the monetary cost of care will be the most taxing aspect of caring for a loved one, but it maybe more time consuming than it is costly. As you think about your own future, consider if there’s a way to prepare yourself to be more accommodating and flexible if necessary. Perhaps you’re thinking about switching jobs at some point and find one that offers more time off or generous benefits or is closer to home. Taking a more flexible job may be one way to help you prepare for the demands on your time in the future. Virtual work has certainly allowed folks to adapt more easily to changing demands, but dealing with time and proximity arejust a few dimensions to consider.
Financial Cost
The sad truth is that most people haven’t planned for their own financial futures and how they would like to handle the difficult decisions that arise. Again, after covering the topics above, you may have the opportunity to better understand your loved one’s financial situation. Do they have the resources to handle what may come their way? Are there social support systems in place for them? Or do you need to plan on stepping in at some point?
Ultimately, the process of taking care of your loved ones is about having ongoing, thoughtful conversations with them. It’s about asking lots of questions that may create uncomfortable discussions at times. You may even find that no one has ever asked them these questions or that they’ve never thought about them before. This is why it’s so important to address this subject now. Even though these discussions can be sad or even morbid, framing them within the context of your care and love can show how much you really do care for those special people in your life.
Jim is a financial advisor and owner of Thinking Big Financial, Inc. Thinking Big Financial is a fee-only registered investment advisor offering financial planning and investment management services. Specializing in working with the LGBTQ Community.
Please read my legal disclaimer here.