I won’t survive without a full-time job that pays benefits.  I’m going to cling for dear life to whichever job I’m lucky to get. People go broke if they go even a moment without full-time work, so if I ever do need to leave my job for whatever reason, I need to have something else lined up already, or else I’ll be financially ruined.

That was a real (but not true) money story I told myself all throughout my twenties.

I don’t know where I picked up that story. In hindsight,  I think it was from a blend of experiences, starting in childhood. My father had one full-time job that he kept his whole life. As a family, we worked with what we had and never stretched our money beyond that. I was taught to live within my means, because running out of money was not an option. By the time I graduated college, I was a financially independent yet student-debt-burdened, gay young adult who had become distanced from his family. With this new phase of life came a new belief:  That I was alone and vulnerable to destitution without a steady full-time job.

It took me almost a decade to dismantle that financial story. I’m so glad I did, because I was trapped by it. But I’ll come back to that a little later. First, I want to talk about the reasons behind the financial stories we tell ourselves and how to identify them.

Why stick with a financial story that doesn’t serve you?

There was a good reason why I carried that story with me for so many years:

I used it as my go-to framework for navigating the world as a responsible adult, and it stemmed from my desire to protect and care for myself.

There’s a Buddhist parable that I think of here. A monk builds a raft to cross a great river. When he arrives at the other side, he’s become so dependent on the raft that he carries it forward with him on his journey. But the raft is no longer needed. As long as he keeps carrying it through the forests and mountains, it will be a constant source of hardship for him.

As I discovered new passions and interests, my story about always needing a full-time job started to hold me back more than a protection. Carrying it around with me stopped me from making important changes that would help me live a happier, healthier life.

How do you know if you’re sticking with a money story that doesn’t help you?

First, you can ask yourself: Am I telling a money story to myself or others that isn’t necessarily true or is holding me back in some way? Is there something I’ve been complaining about for years but haven’t resolved, even though I could? Or: Am I telling a story to validate certain aspects of my life that I’ve relied on to protect me? 

Then, listen to your feelings. 

That’s vague, I know. But I’ve found that being able to navigate and listen to emotions has been the best way to spot my more profound money narratives and to gain creative control over the stories I tell myself.

If you are mindful of how you feel about money, you will be much better at naming those unhelpful financial stories.  Of course, navigating emotions, especially around a taboo topic like money, is easier said than done. Those financial stories are the raft in the Buddhist parable. They’re the survival gear that helps us navigate that treacherous terrain. Enlisting the help of a professional is one way to help yourself put down those stories. Working with a holistic financial planner at the same time would give you even more bang for your buck. 

Change your thoughts, change your story.

So, back to my money story. As I approached my thirties, I had a nagging feeling that I needed to change career paths.  And I realized that the best way to do this was to quit my job, go back to school, and pursue my true passion. The thought of not having a full-time job was petrifying. It went against everything I believed. But to achieve my dreams, I  had to change my thinking.

In the months leading up to my thirtieth birthday, I had formed a new story:

I’m not, nor was I ever, on the brink of financial devastation. In fact, I’m responsible, hard-working, good with money, and I’ve always been able to make ends meet. Also, I’m not alone. I have lots of people in my life who support me, and I support them! I have valuable job skills, and the choice of an abundance of jobs. I’m someone who takes reasonable risks to do what I love and live a better life, rather than someone who acts out of fear. 

When I quit my job to go back to school, I experienced a wonderful snowball effect. I noticed that I was happier and more enthusiastic about my life, and people responded to my passion and excitement. I thought I would take a year or so off from work, but I landed a part-time job a mere two months later, doing something I was actually excited to do. I happily worked part-time with no benefits for almost a year to focus on school. I actually said No to full-time job offers. I barely recognized myself, and I couldn’t have been more proud of my new path. 

It’s incredible how powerful a story can be, which is why one of the first things we talk about with clients in the financial planning process is money history. We do this even before getting into the numbers, because stories and money scripts are a big determinant of people’s financial well-being. 

Also, Jim and I both think it’s fun to learn about these stories. It’s the life of financial life planning.