Imagine this: You’ve suddenly passed away in a tragic accident.  Your partner, while in shock and grieving your death, is unable to pay the mortgage on their income alone and doesn’t know how they will pay any of the other bills. They also don’t know any of your passwords or have access to your online accounts, which means they can’t complete basic tasks like paying the bills or accessing important information.  

We know you wouldn’t wish any of these logistical nightmares on your loved one when they are dealing with the grief of your passing. Unfortunately, this experience is all too common because people don’t have a plan for their own worst-case scenario.   

People often approach estate planning solely in terms of the legal documents like power of attorney, last will and testament, and a living will. While these legal documents are important, we can’t forget possibly the most important part:  what you want to happen after you pass away. This can include your intentions behind why you’re doing what you’re doing. Instructions on how to handle certain things. What you valued. Or a letter expressing your love to those most important to you. 

However, even the desire to ensure that our wishes are carried out after our passing may not be enough motivation for people to create an estate plan. How can that be? After working with hundreds of people and families, I’ve seen what makes an estate plan successful. It’s not simply making sure all the practicalities are in place (though that is important!); it’s reframing the conversation to be about taking care of the people you love. When we see estate planning as an expression of our values and love toward our chosen family, just like we do with all other parts of our financial planning, we invest more in the process. Our question changes from, “How do I want my wishes carried out?” to “How do I want to take care of my family after I’m gone?” 

Define what is important for you to share with your chosen family 

When reframing estate planning as an act of love, you’ll need to spend some time thinking about what values you’ll want to impart to your family and loved ones after you’re gone. Once you’ve identified them, you’ll want to think about how they’ll be enacted. 

For example, maybe you value security for your family. In this case, you might consider how much life insurance you need to make your family feel truly secure in your absence. Another value you might have is community. If giving back to the community is something you want to share with your loved ones, you may direct that you give a certain amount of money to certain organizations. 

Make sure these values come through in the legal instructions you leave (not what someone tells you they should be).

Write a letter that documents what you hope your family does with the estate  

While a will or other legal documents can share your wishes, they only go so far. When we guide clients in estate planning, we encourage them to create a document with a set of instructions of what they would hope their family members and loved ones would do with the estate. This could be something like, “I’m leaving you this money because my hope is that you will use it to finish college.” or  “I want you to take lots of vacations and enjoy yourself. That’s why I am leaving this for you.”

Remember, you’re not going to be around for anyone to ask you what you want! Being clear and direct about what you hope for is a loving way to tell your family more about why you’ve made certain decisions.

Have conversations with your family 

We can’t forget how important it is to talk to our loved ones about our plans. Making sure your family knows about your estate plan and where things like passwords or legal documents are is one of the most crucial parts of this process. Gather your family together and walk them through the plan. Discuss your goals, the distribution of assets, and any specific instructions you want to be followed. When you involve your family, things can often feel a bit less scary because you’re in it together.  

To help this process, consider creating a document with personal instructions or a heartfelt family love letter. In it, you can express your desires, values, and the reasons behind your decisions. You can also see it as an opportunity to share the stories and memories that have shaped your life and the values you hold dear. Letters like these can hold a lot of meaning, and act as anchors during the grieving process.   

No one wants to think about death and what may happen when we pass away, but sharing information about your financial assets, important documents, and your overall plan can be empowering in the face of something we can’t control. And this process doesn’t have to be morbid! This can be a special moment with those you care most about to share what your values are and pass on your love to them in perhaps the most profound way possible.